satisfaction

I was reading in the word tonight about the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand.  It was a little strange reading about food when Emily and I have started a journey to live a healthy lifestyle.  I was going to write diet but that is not what this is about.  This is about making healthy choices and turning those choices over to God.

As I read yesterday about slaves and masters I began to understand tonight that I have made food a master in my life.  I have just given in time and time again to the draw of unhealthy food because something was missing in my heart.  I have left God out of my daily routines of eating just anything and everything I could get my hands on.  I know now that I have done a great disservice to the Lord by desecrating His temple (my body).  I know that God wants me to be healthy.  He wants me to enjoy food…not be a slave to it.

Thank you Lord for revelations about food and about how I have been worshipping it instead of seeking out and worshipping You.

two masters

So to get back into the habit of writing and spending time with the Lord I am going to use this forum as my journal.  There will be things that I choose not to post publicly but for the most part I believe that the revelations that God has and is giving me can be of some help to not only me but to the people that visit my blog.  So off we go!!!

Tonight I flipped open my Bible to Luke 16.  I was reading along with not much insight (and when I say not much insight I REALLY mean that I was completely and utterly lost in comprehension of one of Jesus’ parables) and then came to the scripture that reads:

(v. 13) No servant is able to serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stand by and be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You can not serve God and mammon (anything beside God that you put your trust in or rely on).

I have to be honest and tell you that I had an “untrusting” moment today.  I found out that my financial situation took a big hit and to be honest it was very unexpected.  I wish I could say that after hearing this news I went immediately into prayer mode and just took it to the feet of Jesus but I did what we as humans usually do.  I panicked.  I looked at the impossibility of the situation and began to have fearful thoughts and negative thoughts invading my mind.  I left work for lunch and sat in the car wanting to cry out and blame God for not taking care of me but I took a deep breath and began to thank God for always taking care of me.  This mountain seems firmly planted in front of me but I believe that God allowed that mountain to spring up to give me the opportunity to turn to Him…giving me the opportunity to love Him as my ONE master. 

I refuse to put my trust in money or what society or this culture believes would be the right thing for me to do.  The Lord God Almighty is my provider and as long as I am faithful to Him and what He is asking me to do I KNOW that He will take care of me. 

I can look at many times in my life where I have relied on other things to get me through difficult situations and how many times I have robbed God of the opportunity to show me that He loves me and that He is my Father that WANTS to take care of me.  Lord, forgive me for being selfish and trusting in my own ways when all You wanted from me was just an opportunity.

quiet

The house has been very quiet tonight.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to sit and spend some time with God but my thoughts have kept me from doing that. 

I am craving some intimate time with the Lord.  I just want to seek Him and talk to Him and listen as He talks back.  I seem to have so much more time to myself lately but I am finding it harder and harder to steal away to be with God.  Its not that He’s unavailable and its not that I don’t HAVE the time but its more a laziness on my part.  Even as I type that I am struck by how odd it is that I can crave this time SO deeply and yet when the Lord gives it to me then I overwhelmingly have this lazy attitude.

I am not sure that it is laziness alone but there is a lot on my mind tonight.  I am stressed about money to be honest.  I have taken a pretty big pay cut and even though I have trimmed my bills back to almost nothing I am still afraid that I am not going to be able to make my bills when the month comes to an end.  I know that the Lord is faithful to give me the things I need.  It just feels like God is asking me to take another step out of the boat.  Now it would stand to reason that since I had already stepped out of the boat once that the second time would be easier but rest assured that is NOT the case.  It is still very scary every time my foot is placed on the ravenous waves. 

I am always astounded that when I sit and write there are so many revelations that are brought to my attention.  It is like all of the things that swirl around my mind seem to just be brought into perfect clarity.  I am so thankful that God has given me a passion for writing and that He uses that gift to bring His will and purpose for my life into view.

the need to write

Well it has been forever since I’ve sat to write anything at all.  Tonight I was struck by this overwhelming need to sit and put some thoughts down.  I’m not promising that it will all make sense but I’m going to attempt it anyway. 

My life has definitely been on a roller coaster the last few weeks.  I have left blockbuster and that was definitely a God thing.  I have moved into a teller position with an Oklahoma bank.  I am really enjoying it but it has its challenges as well.  I am not totally sure that I fit in with the banker crowd but am hopeing that in time I will find my place.  Don’t get me wrong..I love this job and am so thankful…so VERY thankful that God has placed me there. 

Speaking of my roller coaster I have also moved in the last few weeks.  I am now living with my best friend and things couldn’t be going better.  We click so well and living together just really works for us.  I am thankful that she allows me my space and respects the fact that there are nights I just don’t want to be around people.

I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately.  I have wanted to seclude myself and be away with God.  It has been a unique feeling and one that I have not felt in quite some time.  We are just finishing a study on Joseph and I think about the ups and downs that Joseph’s life took and that he had more than enough time to spend with just he and God.  He had such faith to believe that in EVERY circumstance God was there and that the plans that the Lord had for him would be something to encourage him.  We all walk through shadows and valleys in our lives.  I think the true testimony of our lives with God are how we respond to the Lord in those times. 

I’ve been really struggling personally the last month or so with the fact that I am still single.  I have tried to understand why the Lord is having me be alone but am challenged with the idea of wrapping my head around it.  I know that I can’t see the plans or paths that the Lord has before me but there are just days that I wish the Father would clue me in!!!  I know the Lord has a reason and I will be diligent in staying in this season as long as He wills it to be but I am lonely and as much as I spend time with God and lean on Him to be my companion, I do miss the physical touch of a hug or kiss that only another human being can give me.

Things overall are going great.  I refuse to complain on the little things that tend to nag at me for I know the Lord’s plans are to prosper me and He is being faithful to do just THAT!!

not much to say

I’ve been thinking a lot lately but haven’t had too much to say.  I’ve tried to sit and write several times but the truth is that I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything productive to put down in my blog. 

I think I am in this place with God where I am just standing.  I don’t feel like I am really gaining any great insights into the Lord.  And to be honest I am okay with this.  I know that God is going to be asking me to do a lot of things that are outside of my box in the coming months and that I am going to be taken deeper into the things of God but maybe this is just my time of rest. 

Off the topic of God, My air conditioner has been broken for almost 5 days and so I haven’t been staying at home.  I miss my bed but know that I won’t get any rest in 90 degree apartment weather.  I will be thankful for monday when they can get it fixed.  I have also been watching my finances and that is a depressing sight.  I am thinking that I may be forced to get a second job just to pay off all my medical bills and my credit cards and save money for India. 

I am still very firm in the belief that I am going to India in October.  I am not waivering and I am believing God for the finances.  I believe that God has blessed my business so that I can bonus this quarter and that I can put all of that money back towards the trip.   I talked to Steve about India and he was telling me that the trip was probably going to be more toward the first part of October instead of the end.  Of course this makes getting the money a little harder and on a shorter time period but that’s okay… my God is a BIG God and He doesn’t need me to worry about the “how”.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being single these days.  I teeter totter back and forth about whether or not I really want to be in a relationship right now or not.  On the one hand I am lonely and I miss having someone to share my experiences with but on the other hand I am afraid that if I get into a relationship it will be difficult for me to go and do the will of the Lord for my life.  I am sure that I am single right now for a reason and that this season will pass whenever the Lord is ready for it to pass.

I know I said that I didn’t have much to say.  I guess I was wrong.  There is a lot on my mind I guess I just needed to sit down and give it all a voice.

unsure

Well I’m not really sure what’s going on with me lately.  I haven’t really been in the mood to write.  It’s not really even about blogging but I haven’t been willing to work on my story or just straight out journaling.  I’m just unsure about what to say.

Like now…I am just not sure what to talk about.  There have been lots of things going on but none that strike me as worthy of my time to put down on paper (or computer screen as the case may be). 

I’ve been thinking a lot about India the last few days.  I am dedicated to going but I have been under a tremendous attack by the enemy about my reasons for going and about how I am going to get the finances for India.  My friend Ryan tells me all the time that “how” is a faithless question and I agree with him.  I know that God has called me to India and so I just have to be faithful with the instructions that He is giving me.  I wish sometimes I could just quiet the voices of disapproval or those naysaying voices that scream about how India is just one more thing that I WON’T accomplish.

i’m hoping by putting some of the attack down I will be able to better see it for what it is and can battle it with the help of the Lord.  I know through the power of the Lord ALL things are possible.  I know that faith is just closing my eyes and trusting God that the bridge I am about to cross isn’t going to fall out from beneath me.

speechless

For probably one of the first times in my life I am speechless.  I have tried to come up with the words to write about Saturday’s events at Oakgrove but everything I have come up with seems to be too insignificant. 

My emotions have pretty much ranged the whole spectrum in the last 24 hours.  I was so ecstatic when we were leaving the housing community.  I felt so good about the work we had done there and the impact that it would have on the lives of those living there.  It wasn’t long after that I began to feel something very different.  My emotions began to run towards feeling like I hadn’t done enough.  Please don’t get me wrong, what was done was important but in my heart I just began to feel like it wasn’t enough.  There are so many needs in that complex and I wondered what we had actually accomplished in the grand scheme of what they truly needed. 

My emotional rollercoaster didn’t stop there.  After the day’s event I spent the evening with two friends and I began to get sad about the lives of those people.  I was taken back to my own life and the poverty that I was brought up in and how living in poverty leaves no room for peace but plenty of space for frustration and depression to work.  There was a moment in painting a breezeway that I heard a baby that wouldn’t stop screaming and parents that were screaming as well just to be heard over the baby.  It was at that moment that MY one prayer became very clear for those parents…God grant them peace. 

I’ll be honest, today I am just drained.  I am tired physically and emotionally.  Spiritually I have been unable to pray.  I think I am just at a loss as to what to pray for.  I want to do so much more for the families that we met on Saturday but am unsure as to where to begin.  I know that we can’t make it perfect for them but the cosmetic things we do just seem like too little.  I know we, the church, are doing what we can and that is commendable but I want to do more. 

A friend told me that the emotions I am having are normal.  This was my first missions event and so I was unsure as to what I would feel.  There are more emotions and more revelations that I have had but I don’t feel like writing about them right now.  I am taken to thoughts of India and what it will be like when I leave there and come back to this very blessed nation.  I can only imagine that it will be 100 times harder than coming back to my life after one day of being around the less fortunate.

Anticipation

Wow…I can’t believe it but the micromission for OnePrayer is only about 7 hours away.  I should be sleeping but I will just be honest, I am so excited that it’s hard to sleep.  My level of anticipation is just off the chart.  Even now as I write this I am just giddy with thoughts of what the Lord is going to accomplish tomorrow. 

I think anticipation is a great thing, especially when talking about God and the things He is doing in the body.  This will be my first micromission with LifeChurch and I am just so excited to be loving people who don’t normally get to feel the love of the Father.  I’m not totally sure what to expect but I know that the Lord will be with us as we seek to minister to the less fortunate amongst us. 

 

A season of realignment

I’ve spent some time with the Lord tonight and I have one phrase turning over and over in my spirit.  That phrase is “this is a season of realignment”. 

I was having dinner with a friend when this phrase first came up in my spirit.  We were discussing the fact that we were both reevaluating our priorities.  I immediately began to understand that in my own life God is doing a lot of realigning.  It’s not only my priorities but also my finances and even going so far as to realigning my work situation (in process…by no means completely changed yet).  It really made me wonder what realigning God was doing on my spiritual walk.  I know that in the last few days I have really had a heart that craves time with the Father.  I have been hungrier the past week than I think I have ever been.  But God is being faithful to meet me right where I am and He is feeding my spirit.  I am having new insights into the heart of God that I never thought possible.  I am experiencing a true desire to have an intimate relationship with God and then to take that presence and anointing out to the world.

Maybe God is doing a little realignment of the Body through OnePrayer as well.  The body is not functioning as God had intended.  It is not reaching the lost and people in general feel that the “body” of Christ is just a bunch of people who bicker amongst themselves about who “does” church the right way.  Is that the way we really WANT to be viewed at by the lost of our generation?  I know that I don’t.  I am encouraged at the risk that we are taking by thinking and taking ACTION that is outside of the box!!

My heart just wants to line up with the plans and will of the Father.  If God has to strip away everything that invades and prohibits the moving of His spirit then so be it.  I am willing to walk this road with nothing but the knowledge that God has placed me on this path and will NEVER leave me.

Risky Business

I’ve been thinking a lot about tonight’s lifegroup and what risks I have taken for God or am being asked to take at this moment in my life.  I think the risks that come to mind are for the most part just little things.  I’m sure some of them have even seemed so insignificant that I haven’t credited them to God at all.  I can think of times that I have begun a conversation with someone that I didn’t know.  That’s a risk.  Giving my portion of tithe when I had bills to pay.  That was a risk because even though the bible says clearly that God will be faithful, you still have to have faith to write that check and give it cheerfully!!

“…When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.”  Luke 12:48 (NLT)

I have always loved this scripture and feared it in the same breath.  I love the idea that God knows I can handle more and will expect more of me.  It helps to continually push me to do the big things that God is asking me to do.  At first doing the little things are overwhelming and seem to be a daunting task but as you walk in faith and are obedient with the small things God WILL call you to bigger risks.  He will ask you to come out of your newly expanded box and to break those walls down with a sledgehammer!! 

My God is a big God and His plans are bigger than I could even fathom but I believe that God knows what He is doing and so when He ask me to do something I have to trust in the fact that He knows what I am fully capable of.  It could be simple, offer to take someone to lunch.  Ask them questions about their life.  Make a new friend of someone that has no one.  It can be harder too.  God could be asking you to sacrifice time or money that you feel you don’t have to spare.  God could be laying a foreign country on your heart and be asking you to go reach the unsaved masses.  Are you willing to take a risk? 

God grant me the strength to answer yes!!